just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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