I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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