I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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