Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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