Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
