i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
