Got a toothbrush?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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