my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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