Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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