Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
