Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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