Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
