Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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