im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
