So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
