I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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