Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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