I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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