I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
