I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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