My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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