you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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