I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
