sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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