my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
