You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize