I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
