All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
