You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
