Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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