That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
