i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize