Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
