Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
