Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just want to make out with him forever
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
