so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
