He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
