how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize