i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
