I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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