I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
