The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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