I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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