i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
