I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
