everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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