So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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