i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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