i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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