This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
