i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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