I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
