I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
