when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Drunk walkin through police station. America
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
