Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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