You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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