I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
