That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
