As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
