Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Even my vagina gasped.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
