I'm jealous of your bromance
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pants are for mortals
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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