I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
