I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize