He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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