What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
