my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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