I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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