Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
