Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
