apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
