Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize