The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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