Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Why are your pants in the freezer?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
