Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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