My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
