Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
