News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
