You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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